A Pool of Tears

Hello.

Life as an IB student consumes me.

Yet I'm terrified of what will come after.

I don't think I know...how not to be a student. After having it be a big part of my life for the last 12, how can I?

College may help with the transition - but even college is short. And it too, is different.

I've gotten a bit better in the past years.
I don't procrastinate as much.

But I think that all that procrastination earlier on has instilled in me an idea. The idea that if I don't do perfect, it's because I didn't try hard enough - I no longer can tell that I've done all I could. I don't ever believe I have. Therefore, every time something doesn't work out - I can logically blame myself.

This happens far too often nowadays.

Blogging has never been an outlet.
I don't need outlets.
Why am I blogging then?

I don't know. It's a phase.

Looking back through THA and this blog and LJ...makes me sad.
Relationships, friendships..they're all so transitory. At least for me. School has cut any chance of keeping them apart.
I spend lunch in the library. I work after school. I wallow in my own world.
My conversations begin and end with homework.

Then, WHY IS IT NOT ENOUGH?

I screwed up my life earlier. Need I screw it up more? Apparently, the answer is yes.

Too often, I find myself back into the world of stories. They've never really left me, have they? From the moment I learned how to read, stories have grabbed hold of my heart, my soul, and burrowed in to tempt me, to hurt me, to control me. I am....addicted. Real-life, fictional, romantic, fantastical, mysterious...I am captured.

The word captivated has traditionally come with connotations of admiration.
I choose to look at the word "captive". This is not pleasant. I am a prisoner, of myself.

Does living in my own world of words mean I cannot step outside? I am afraid to believe it true. Subconsciously, I long to experience it all. Yet, that which frees me, which addicts me, traps me, holds me back.

Vicious.

My strings are pulled by my guilty pleasures, and I confess to understanding and inaction.





I want.
- To be free to read all I want
- Friends I do not grow away from
- A social life
- Love, even in the form of like.
- Chocolate
- Cheese

Soy una marioneta quien jugando el juego de vida.
Pero nadie saben quien tiran de mis cuerdas.
¿Es una persona, or solamente yo?
Es posible para encontrar una manera para regresar a una vida sensible?
Quiero encontrar mis suenos.

Espero que, un dia, lo haré.

- This blog is.

(Anyone know what the title references?)