Drift

I got a lecture today.

I'm sad to say all of it was entirely true.

I'm also sad to say...that I don't know how long the momentary change will last.

And what I find worse, is that I see all of these things as inevitable.

Do I have no motivation at all?

It's true. Maybe I don't.

It's true, that I slack off a lot these days. That I spend more time playing around then focusing. If I ever focus....rather, I cram.

It's true I can't continue living this way.

It's true that my parents are not culprits or anything and they truly are trying to help me succeed.

It's true that 10 years from now, when I'm applying for a job.....they will look at my grades, and not at my face.

It's true that I have no goals, and that that is making me drift.....because I have nothing to anchor me down.

It's true that I'm not motivated...and unfocused, and therefore, don't have anything to discipline myself by.

It's true. It's all true.

It's also true that I don't know how to fix it, or if I do, I don't want to. Or don't think I can.

Does that mean it's also true that I have no faith in myself?

Yes. It's true.

It's true that in another hour, maybe less, I will give up...and go back to lazy me.

It's true that I love the feeling of being organized, perhaps because I encounter it so rarely....and that I don't actually work for it most of the time.

It's true that I'm failing myself.

It's true that I'm not trying to succeed.

It's all true.

It's also true that by tmrw, I'm not going to care.

It's true that not caring is just as well as denying myself the chance to succeed.

It's true that if I truly wanted to, I could fly thru these courses.

It's all true.

......But it's also true....that no matter how much I tell myself otherwise, I will still believe that I cannot change deep down inside.....and so I won't.